The Brady Bunch Wiki

Famous Quotes from The Brady Bunch:

Season 1[]

The Honeymoon [1.1][]

Alice: I don’t blame you for being nervous, Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.
Mike: [puts sugar into his coffee] Why should I be nervous? What makes you think I’m nervous?
Alice: It’s the first time I ever saw you take twenty-one spoons of sugar.
Mike: [pauses] I like it sweet.

Carol: [on the phone] Cindy thought there are real butterflies in my stomach.
Mike: You’re lucky if you only get butterflies. I’ve got six flying saucers in mine.

Carol: [stressed, hair undone, in the middle of using make up] How could you girls sit there and say I look beautiful?
Cindy: Because we love you.

Peter: [to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous. He forgot to put his pants on.
Bobby: [looks under the table] You’re OK, dad.

Peter: [to Carol, about Mike] This morning he put 21 spoons sugar into the coffee
Mike: You’re exaggerating.
Bobby: But he didn’t forget his pants.

Desk clerk: Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.
Mike: Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us.
Desk clerk: But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.
Carol: Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …
Mike: [interrupts her] It’s quite alright darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

Mike: How would you girls like to come along with us?
Jan: On your honeymoon?
Carol: That’s right.
Cindy: Alright. I’ve never been on a honeymoon.
Jan: Neither have I, and I am older than you are.

Greg: I’m going back to bed.
Peter: Aren’t you going with us?
Greg: Not me, I’m too old to go on a honeymoon.
Bobby: Dad’s older than you are and he’s going.

Dear Libby [1.2][]

Cindy: You cheated.
Bobby: I did not. And besides: You didn’t see me.
Cindy: I did too!

Carol: I don’t hear anything
Mike: What’s the matter with that?
Carol: Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Cindy: [upon finding out it's another family] I sure am glad we're not Harry Hopeless!

Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3][]

Alice: Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

Alice: Look who gets to go.
Cindy: [takes off blindfold] Brazil!

Cindy: [as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore [1.4][]

Katchoo [1.5][]

Carol: I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!
Mike: Jan's allergic to Tiger... and I'm afraid, boys, that they cannot live together in the same house.
Peter: Aw Dad.
Greg: That's terrible.
Bobby: Where's Jan gonna live?

A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6][]

Mike: Well then?
Greg: We're sick of doing all these things.
Peter: Do this, do that, they're a real pain.
Bobby: Yeah, they're too bossy.

Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7][]

[Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]
Bobby: Circum-special?
Mike: No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.
Cindy: You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

A-Camping We Will Go [1.8][]

Bobby: Well I guess women are okay for somethings.

Sorry, Right Number [1.9][]

Every Boy Does It Once [1.10][]

Marcia: Hi and bye, small fry.
Peter: I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!
Greg: Won't tell what?
Peter: I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.
Greg: Well, so am I, dummy!
Bobby crying no loves meem carol WE ALL LOVE YOU SWEETHEART (:
Bobby: Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.
Carri: Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.
Bobby: You? (Carol nods) Even though I'm only a step?
Carol: Listen, the only steps in this house are those (shows Bobby the stairs), the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?
Bobby: Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!
Mike: Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Vote for Brady [1.11][]

The Voice of Christmas [1.12][]

Alice: You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.
Carol: 24 hours!!?
Alice: Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

Peter: [to Alice] You can't throw the turkey away, it's got my favorite dressing.

Cindy: He's better than a doctor, he's Santa Claus!

Greg: Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.
Bobby: If they catch me, should I eat the present?
Peter: Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13][]

Carol: You have a temperature.
Peter: The nurse told me. 101.1. Is that a new world record?
Carol: That's one record you don't wanna break.
Alice: Yeah, ya don't get to hold the title very long. (laugh track starts now.)

Alice: You got everything here?
Carol: Well, I think so. [to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas] There are 6 luncheon trays, 5 comic books, 4 jigsaw puzzles, 3 magic tricks, 2 ice cream bars,...
Carol and Mike: And one cow bell!

Peter: What's a 5-letter word for exhaustion?
Alice: Alice!

[Greg complains about his lunch]
Greg: I'd really rather have bolonga.
Mike: Bologna? That's a feast fit for a king!
Greg: Then give it to the king and give me some bolonga!
Carol: Mike, he's sick and irritable. If he wants bolonga, then...
Mike: Okay, okay, I'll get it. (angrily) Baloney!

Cindy: How come I always get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Carol: Because you love them.
Cindy: Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting!

Marica: Gentlemen...if you don't like the conversation in this room....
Jan: Which by-the-way happens to be a WOMAN'S room....
Marcia: True! Then you can simply VAMOOSE!
Jan: Scram!

Carol: Oh, Mike! Why don't we just put it off until you decide which doctor?
Mike: At this point I'd SETTLE for a witch doctor.

[Someone makes a comment about taking Jan's boat]
Jan: Who cares? I get seasick, anyway.

Father of the Year [1.14][]

54-40 and Fight [1.15][]

Cindy: Me first!
Bobby: Why you?
Cindy: 'Cause I'm a lady!
Bobby: uh huh
Cindy: I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

Mike's Horror-Scope [1.16][]

Carol: [to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...!
Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein!

The Undergraduate [1.17][]

Tiger, Tiger! [1.18][]

The Big Sprain [1.19][]

Alice: [who has just tripped] My foot played a game of Chinese checkers...and lost.
Cindy: Forgetting is easy. It's remembering that's hard.

Brace Yourself [1.20][]

Marcia: [about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?
Cindy: Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.
Marcia:Thanks, Cindy!
Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Jan: [when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.
Cindy: Daddy said to act natural--and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

Alan: I can't take you to the dance.
Marcia: Why not?
Alan: Well, my parents are going out of town.
Marcia: So what?
Alan: I have to go with them.
Marcia: I don't believe you. You just don't want to be seen with a girl who has braces, like I do now. I hate you, Alan Anthony. I hate EVERYBODY!

The Hero [1.21][]

Alice: [to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

Alice: [seeing Peter in the paper] Leapin' caterpillars! We got ourselves a real celebrity!

Jason: Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.
Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.
Jason: I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

The Possible Dream [1.22][]

Desi Arnaz Jr.: How about that! I never thought I'd top Captain Kangaroo!

To Move or Not to Move [1.23][]

Carol: [about the first strange noise] WHAT was that?
Alice: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.

Carol: [about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.
Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

Mrs. Hunsacker: You folks sure pick a strange time of the year to celebrate Halloween.

Bert Grossman: [trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.
[the noises start again]
Mrs. Hunsacker: That was no wind through a willow grove.

The Grass is Always Greener [1.24][]

Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25][]

[During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]
Bobby: Can I spit out my toothpaste?
Greg: Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom?
Bobby: You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'?
Greg: What?
Bobby: It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

Season 2[]

The Dropout [2.1][]

The Babysitters [2.2][]

The Slumber Caper [2.3][]

Marcia: Hello Jenny, this is Marcia. I called about the slumber party I'm having tomorrow night.
Jenny: I can hardly wait.
Marcia: Well, it's only for my friends.
Jenny: Sure, I'm your friend Marcia.
Marcia: Not anymore. So considered yourself. Uninvited! Marcia hung up the phone]

The Un-Underground Movie [2.4][]

Greg: Peter, snow!

Going, Going... Steady [2.5][]

Call Me Irresponsible [2.6][]

The Treasure of Sierra Avenue [2.7][]

Cindy: Want a piece of licorice?
Bobby: Yeah!
Cindy: I bet you do!

A Fistful of Reasons [2.8][]

Buddy Hinton: Baby talk, baby talk, it's the wonder you can walk.
Cindy: You stop that Buddy Hinton!
Buddy Hinton: Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.

The Not So Ugly-Duckling [2.9][]

The Tattletale [2.10][]

Carol: Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?
Greg: Tattletale!
Mike: All right, that's enough.
Cindy: But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.
Mike: All right what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

Bobby: I'm not lending everything to a snitcher!
Cindy: I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is.
Bobby: Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter!
Cindy: Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday.
Bobby: You little fink!

What Goes Up... [2.11][]

Tiger: [barking and running down the stairs]
Bobby: Mom, Dad, my parakeet's loose! Tiger, stop scaring my parakeet!

Confessions, Confessions [2.12][]

Bobby: Mom always says don't play ball in the house.

The Impractical Joker [2.13][]

Where There's Smoke [2.14][]

Cindy: Greg's smoking.
Tommy Johnson: Hey, man. They're just plain cigarettes.

Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? [2.15][]

Jan: I'd like to buy a wig please.
Saleswoman: Not for yourself. Why would you want to cover such beautiful blonde hair?
Jan: You'd understand if you had two blonde sisters at home.
Saleswoman: Oh, so we want a complete change do we?
Jan: Yes ma'me.
Saleswoman: Ok. What kind of style are you looking for?
Jan: I don't know. Something wild. Cookey. Kinda like something you're wearing.
Saleswoman: This is my own hair.
Jan: Oh! I'm so sorry!
Saleswoman: Not half as sorry as I am.
Saleswoman: Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig.
Jan: ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

The Drummer Boy [2.16][]

Coming Out Party [2.17][]

Our Son, The Man [2.18][]

Greg: Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.
Greg: Carol. Mike.
Mike: Greg it may be the hip thing to call parents by their first names, but around here, we're still Mom and Dad.

The Liberation of Marcia Brady [2.19][]

Peter: I am a little sunflower girl-loyal, brave and true.
Man: Are you kidding?
Peter: No, i'm a sunflower girl.
Man: Are you puttin' me on? Am I on one of those hidden camera shows.
Peter: No, sir. Would you like some cookies for a dollar?
Man: Sure. Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaa! Sunflower girl!

Lights Out [2.20][]

The Winner [2.21][]

Doubled Packed [2.22][]

Alice's September Song [2.23][]

Tell It Like It Is [2.24][]

Season 3[]

Ghost Town U.S.A [3.1][]

Grand Canyon or Bust [3.2][]

The Brady Braves [3.3][]

The Wheeler Dealer [3.4][]

My Sister, Benedict Arnold [3.5][]

Peter: When are you going to grow up?
Bobby: When I get older.

The Personality Kid [3.6][]

Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]: Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!

Juliet Is The Sun [3.7][]

Marcia: One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.
Jan: [to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!
Cindy: What does that mean?
Jan: It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.
Cindy: Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor [3.8][]

The Private Ear [3.9][]

Her Sister's Shadow [3.10][]

Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Click [3.11][]

Getting Davy Jones [3.12][]

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13][]

The Teeter Totter Caper [3.14][]

Big Little Man [3.15][]

Bobby: She's right. I'm a pee-wee, I'll always be a pee-wee.
Bobby: (measures himself) Nothing. Still the same size.
Marcia: Bobby, you got to give yourself a little time.
Bobby: Guess I better stretch more.

Bobby: Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!
Mike: How much?
Bobby: A whole inch and a half!
Carol: Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.
Mike: Not since yesterday.
Bobby: But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!
Cindy: No, it's only a half an inch!
Bobby: How do you know it's only half an inch?
Cindy: Well...
Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
Cindy: I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!
Mike: Cindy!
Cindy: I'm sorry!
Bobby: Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!
Jan: No, only half an inch.
Carol: You did the same thing too? (Jan nods)
Bobby: Well, a half inch isn't bad.
Marcia: Bobby.
Carol: Oh, no.
Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.
Bobby: That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! (runs off)
Mike: Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right--
Carol: They were only trying to help.
Bobby: They did it because they know it's true!
Carol: Now what's true?
Bobby: I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! (runs off)


(Bobby walks in)
Carol: Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes!
(Bobby turns around with a black eye)
Carol: Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?
Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.
Carol: Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?
Bobby: Well, I picked on him.
Carol: You started a fight? Why?
Bobby: Well, he was acting like a big shot.
Carol: Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?
Bobby: Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!
Carol: Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?
Bobby: Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.
Carol: Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.
Bobby: Did he win?
Carol: Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?
Bobby: Not if you lose.

Dough-Re-Mi [3.16][]

Peter: Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.
Carol: She's just a little girl.
Peter: She has an awfully big tongue.

Jan's Aunt Jenny [3.17][]

The Big Bet [3.18][]

The Power of the Press [3.19][]

Sergeant Emma [3.20][]

Cindy Brady, Lady [3.21][]

My Fair Opponent [3.22][]

The Fender Benders [3.23][]

Mike: Who banged up what?!?!

Season 4[]

Hawaii Bound [4.1][]

Pass the Tabu [4.2][]

The Tiki Caves [4.3][]

Today, I Am A Freshman [4.4][]

Cyrano de Brady [4.5][]

Peter: I don't trust you, you stole my girl!
Greg: I did not steal your girl.
Peter: You did.
Bobby: You guys should stop aguring, I'm getting out of here.

Fright Night [4.6][]

The Show Must Go On?? [4.7][]

Jan, The Only Child [4.8][]

Jan: If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?
Greg: You mean that, Jan?
Jan: You're right, I sure do!
Greg: Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? (Peter, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy agree and join him)
Peter: You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters.
Marcia: And you can keep the whole house to yourself.
Jan: Great!
Cindy: For us, too!
Greg: As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist!
Bobby: Yeah, we're not even here!
Greg: Consider us invisible! Come on, gig, let's disappear! (Peter, Cindy, Bobby, Marcia and Greg agree and leave the room)
(Peter, Bobby and Greg return)
Peter: What are we leaving for?
Bobby: Yeah, this is our room!
(Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her)

Marcia: Hey, just a minute, you!

Jan: What? What do you think you're doing?
Marcia: That's my sweater!
Jan: So what? I always borrow your sweater!
Marcia: Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.
Carol: Okay, kids, okay.
Marcia: Mom, we made a deal, remember?
Carol: Yes, I remember.
Marcia: And I'm sticking to it.
Carol: Jan, do you want to stick to it?
Jan: Yes!
Marcia: Fine, I'll just take my invisible sweater and (snaps fingers) vanish.
Jan: That's not fair!
Carol: I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long.

Career Fever [4.9][]

Greg's Triangle [4.11][]

Law and Disorder [4.14][]

Carol ( To Alice after finding the overflowing washing machine): Oh! Alice, the washing machine's gone crazy!
Bobby: Help! Mom!
Alice: Mrs.Brady, the suds are calling you.
[Carol and Alice find Bobby in a sea of foam from the overflowing washing machine]
Carol: What were you doing?
Bobby: Washing my clothes.
Alice: You're supposed to take your clothes off before you washed them!

Greg Gets Grounded [4.15][]

Bobby's Hero [4.17][]

The Subject was Noses [4.18][]

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.
Marcia: [to Bobby and Peter Hey, you guys... [her nose gets hit by the football] OH! My nose!

How To Succeed in Business [4.19][]

The Great Earring Caper [4.20][]

You're Never Too Old [4.21][]

You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22][]

Carol: [to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.

Room At The Top [4.23][]

Season 5[]

Adios, Johnny Bravo